KiddieLeaks: The Surveillance Reports of an Average Home with Preschoolers

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funny things kids sayWith all the media talk of high-tech hackers infiltrating our homes through baby monitors, microwaves, and other small appliances, I wondered just what those shady characters of the cyber underworld would make of audio recordings coming from my house.

And so, I bring you the seedy world of preschooler espionage: audio files of life with a five- and three-year- old.

Wednesday 7:59am

5YO: She fell into the toilet.

Mom: Is she still in there?

5YO: No, we got her out. But there’s a lot of pee. It’s everywhere, mom. It’s bad.

Wednesday 8:09am

Mom: Flip flops are for wearing not for licking.

Wednesday 10:05am

3YO: Mama, I put a Craisin in my nose.

Mom: Please take it out.

3YO: It’s too late. I can’t find it.

Wednesday 7:10pm

3YO: I have a peanut.

Mom: It’s called a penis, but you have a vagina.

5YO: Peanut is more fun to say.

Mom: That might be true, but it’s penis, and you both have vaginas.

Thursday 12:45pm

3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of my mouth on you?

Mom: I do.

3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of your mouth at my school?

Mom: Yep. I remember that, too.

Thursday 12:55pm

Mom: I will buy you anything you want if you poop on the potty.

3YO: I don’t want your things.

Thursday 4:48pm

3YO: The red cup.

Mom: The red cup is in the dishwasher, which is on, so you can have any other cup.

3YO: No. Only the red cup. It must be the red cup. THE REDDDD CCCUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!! [Glass breaking, furniture being tossed.]

Friday 2:05pm:

5YO: Poop alert! Poop alert! Poop alert!

Friday 2:58pm

5YO: Mom, did you say the word that starts with F?

Mom: No. This time I did not.

Saturday 10:02am

5YO: You’re the worst mom in the whole wide world.

Mom: That may be true, but you still may not use a steak knife in the garden.

Saturday 10:04am

3YO: You’re the best mom in the whole wide world.

Mom: That may be true, but your sister still may not use a steak knife in the garden.

Saturday 3:34pm

Mom: Maybe “anything” wasn’t specific enough. I will buy you a pony if you poop on the potty.

3YO: No.

Saturday 4:59pm

Mom: Why is your sister turquoise?

Sunday 3:03pm

Mom: Gah! Gross! My God why would you put that in your mouth?!?

Sunday 3:19pm

Mom: Where is all of this water coming from?!?!

5YO: We’re playing firefighters.

3YO: The living room is burning.

Mom: Turn off the hose! Turn off the hose!

Sunday 3:21pm

Mom: Please go and play for a second. Mom is in time out.

Sunday 3:22pm

Mom: Please just go over there. Over. There. There! Away! Go away for half a second! I’m begging you. [Hysterical crying and wailing.]

Sunday 3:23pm

Mom: Yes, I love you. I love you SO, SO MUCH. Who wants a drink of water? Mom needs a drink.

Monday 5:47pm

5YO: This tastes funny.

Mom: It’s the soup you love. You ate three bowlfuls of it on Saturday.

5YO: I don’t like it anymore.

Tuesday 1:32pm

Mom: Yes, an orange. Yes, down the heating vent. No, I didn’t put it in there.

Tuesday 2:58pm

5YO: The F word means “everything is broken” in German. Right?

Mom: In many ways, yes. Yes, it does.

Tuesday 4:02pm

Mom: How about a Paw Patrol dog?

3YO: Ok. I’ll poop.

Mom: Yes! Win! Burning through the sky, yeah! Two hundred degrees that’s why they call me Mrs. Fahrenheit! I’m traveling at the speed of light!

Tuesday 4:23pm

5YO: Mom, are we getting a dog?

Mom: What? No.

3YO: She said we’re getting a dog since she pooped on the potty.

Mom: No, I said a Paw Patrol stuffed dog.

5YO: Well, I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s getting a real dog that talks.

Mom: She has a lifetime of therapy to work that out.

5YO: What’s therapy?

Mom: You’ll know soon enough.

Tuesday 8:02pm

3YO: I love you.

5YO: I love you.

Mom: You girls are the best. You know that? The absolute best.

*This document compresses time and comprises stories borrowed from some of my awesome mama friends and their awesomely expressive kiddos and, therefore, would not stand up against a Congressional hearing.

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Kimberly
Originally from New York, Kimberly moved to the Bay Area in 2014 after a five-year hiatus in beautiful Madison, WI. Immediately charmed by the sunshine and foothills, she’s amazed how quickly the left coast became the right one. Kimberly and her husband have two creative and spirited daughters ages 2.5 and 5 years. With the help of their trusty trailer, they enjoy a family bike almost every weekend. Kimberly graduated from the University of Notre Dame (Go Irish!) and has worked as a playwright, literary coordinator, technical writer, and educator. This fall, she’s thrilled to be back in class teaching drama at PVTC. When Kimberly and her family aren’t picnicking, hiking (oh-so-slowly), or on a plane to far-flung family, they’re usually at home singing, dancing, painting, or playing soccer – often simultaneously.

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