With all the media talk of high-tech hackers infiltrating our homes through baby monitors, microwaves, and other small appliances, I wondered just what those shady characters of the cyber underworld would make of audio recordings coming from my house.
And so, I bring you the seedy world of preschooler espionage: audio files of life with a five- and three-year- old.
5YO: She fell into the toilet.
Mom: Is she still in there?
5YO: No, we got her out. But there’s a lot of pee. It’s everywhere, mom. It’s bad.
Mom: Flip flops are for wearing not for licking.
3YO: Mama, I put a Craisin in my nose.
Mom: Please take it out.
3YO: It’s too late. I can’t find it.
3YO: I have a peanut.
Mom: It’s called a penis, but you have a vagina.
5YO: Peanut is more fun to say.
Mom: That might be true, but it’s penis, and you both have vaginas.
3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of my mouth on you?
Mom: I do.
3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of your mouth at my school?
Mom: Yep. I remember that, too.
Mom: I will buy you anything you want if you poop on the potty.
3YO: I don’t want your things.
3YO: The red cup.
Mom: The red cup is in the dishwasher, which is on, so you can have any other cup.
3YO: No. Only the red cup. It must be the red cup. THE REDDDD CCCUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!! [Glass breaking, furniture being tossed.]
5YO: Poop alert! Poop alert! Poop alert!
5YO: Mom, did you say the word that starts with F?
Mom: No. This time I did not.
5YO: You’re the worst mom in the whole wide world.
Mom: That may be true, but you still may not use a steak knife in the garden.
3YO: You’re the best mom in the whole wide world.
Mom: That may be true, but your sister still may not use a steak knife in the garden.
Mom: Maybe “anything” wasn’t specific enough. I will buy you a pony if you poop on the potty.
Mom: Why is your sister turquoise?
Mom: Gah! Gross! My God why would you put that in your mouth?!?
Mom: Where is all of this water coming from?!?!
5YO: We’re playing firefighters.
3YO: The living room is burning.
Mom: Turn off the hose! Turn off the hose!
Mom: Please go and play for a second. Mom is in time out.
Mom: Please just go over there. Over. There. There! Away! Go away for half a second! I’m begging you. [Hysterical crying and wailing.]
Mom: Yes, I love you. I love you SO, SO MUCH. Who wants a drink of water? Mom needs a drink.
5YO: This tastes funny.
Mom: It’s the soup you love. You ate three bowlfuls of it on Saturday.
5YO: I don’t like it anymore.
Mom: Yes, an orange. Yes, down the heating vent. No, I didn’t put it in there.
5YO: The F word means “everything is broken” in German. Right?
Mom: In many ways, yes. Yes, it does.
Mom: How about a Paw Patrol dog?
3YO: Ok. I’ll poop.
Mom: Yes! Win! Burning through the sky, yeah! Two hundred degrees that’s why they call me Mrs. Fahrenheit! I’m traveling at the speed of light!
5YO: Mom, are we getting a dog?
Mom: What? No.
3YO: She said we’re getting a dog since she pooped on the potty.
Mom: No, I said a Paw Patrol stuffed dog.
5YO: Well, I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s getting a real dog that talks.
Mom: She has a lifetime of therapy to work that out.
5YO: What’s therapy?
Mom: You’ll know soon enough.
3YO: I love you.
5YO: I love you.
Mom: You girls are the best. You know that? The absolute best.
*This document compresses time and comprises stories borrowed from some of my awesome mama friends and their awesomely expressive kiddos and, therefore, would not stand up against a Congressional hearing.