All kids are loud, but some of them are really loud — actually, too loud. I have one of those kids, and I have another one who falls under the normal-loud volume level. I also come from an above-average-volumed family, so I consider myself an expert on the nuances of the loud talker. If you’re wondering how loud your child really is, this quiz is for you.
How many times a day do you have to say, “Ssh, I’m right here. You don’t have to yell.”
- Um, maybe once a day? (0 points)
- Six to seven times a day, maybe more, if the neighbor kids are over. (1 point)
- All of the damn time. (2 points)
Does your child have an indoor voice?
- Yes, of course. (0 points)
- Yes, but I wish he/she would use it more often. (1 point)
- No. No, my kid doesn’t have an indoor voice [sigh]. (2 points)
How large a crowd has your kid successfully yelled over to get your attention?
- [sniff] My kid doesn’t yell. (0 points)
- A good sized crowd, like at a busy playground or Little League game. (1 point)
- An entire airport at Christmas time. (2 points)
How many octaves above middle C is your child capable of screaming?
- I’ll let you know when it happens. (0 points)
- Definitely two. (1 point)
- Too many. Way too many. (2 points)
Are there times when you’re not sure if your child is yelling out of joy or screaming out of distress?
- No. Coos and giggles sound distinctly different than screams… well, I imagine they do. My child doesn’t scream. (0 points)
- Hmm, I can usually tell the difference. (1 point)
- Yes, all loud sounds are basically the same. I go with my gut on how quickly to check on him/her. (2 points)
Have you suffered physical effects due to your child’s noise level such as wincing, ringing of the ears, and/or embarrassment?
- Oh my. Is that possible? Hasn’t happened to me. (0 points)
- Haha. Oh sure, on occasion. (1 point)
- What did you say? I’ve lost some hearing in my right ear. (2 points)
How many other family members (on your side and your partner’s) would you consider to speak louder than necessary?
- Well, there is Uncle Jerry on my partner’s side who is rather loud at family get togethers, but other than that, no one comes to mind. (0 points)
- [chuckles] We each have a few, for sure. (1 point)
- My family holidays with five people could drown out a different family of forty. Loud voices run in the family. (2 points)
Add up the points next to each answer you selected and check your score below.
Your kid’s a low talker. (0 – 2 points) Tell me, can you actually hear a pin drop inside your house? I imagine you and your family live in a zen home filled with fountains trickling and flute music piped in at all times, but it’s not fair of me to make assumptions. Just be thankful that you can hold a conversation while your child is nearby without repeatedly saying, “What? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over little Jimmy. Can you say that again?”
Your kid’s a normal talker. (3 – 11 points) If you really thought your kid would score as a loud talker, then know that your hopes are misplaced. Your kid is normal-loud, and that’s OK. Kids can’t be expected to excel at everything. Sure, you tell your child to lower his or her voice on occasion, but this inconvenience pales in comparison to the daily struggle of living with a loud talker. Consider yourself #blessed.
Your kid’s a loud talker. (12 – 14 points) Congratulations. You, too, are raising a loud talker. While this affliction is not serious, it is annoying, and a Facebook support group is in the works. The good news is that your child has excellent potential in the world of musical theatre due to his or her ability to project and may be successful in team sports as audible play calling over loud crowds is an important and often overlooked skill set. While there is no known cure for loud talking, take solace in knowing that your child will live on his or her own in ten to twenty years, and then you’ll be able to adjust the volume on your phone when the loud one calls you.