Note to Self, I’m DONE

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Before we had children, my husband and I decided we wanted to have a big family. Four seemed like a good number, we even picked out names and agreed on them. Flash forward to baby number one, we had no clue what it would be like or what we were doing.

Somehow I put myself on a time clock because I knew I had three more to go. In all honesty, I don’t think I “had” to have four children, but I have a hard time with going against a decision. So after months and months of trying for number 2, she finally arrived. And boy was she here! Colic had set in and it was tough.

We thought we had our hands full with one, but with two and colic crying every night for hours on end, our hands were more than full. Still something lingered in me saying I wasn’t done. You’d think I was crazy because some days were too much and I felt overwhelmed and yet, here we are now with baby number 3.

To be honest, he is the easiest one out of the three – mild reflux and hates car rides, but man this mama is tired. I know we all know about being tired, but I think something finally has changed because I do not long for that 4th baby anymore. There are many, many factors and without writing a novel, I’m just going with one reason I’m not having a forth and that’s because this mama is too tired.

I’m tired of not being able to shower, not being able to organize, tired of not eating a normal meal, and tired of being tired. The newborn stage is rough for everyone. But after doing it for the third time I’m starting to feel old. Age has never been more than a number to me but this last newborn stage has made me feel old and tired.

I miss working out like I did and I miss having energy. Now if I get a few minutes to myself, I just want to take a bag of chocolate and hide in my bed and sleep. Yeah, sleep, because I’m tired.

So self, when this cute adorable baby gives you those googly eyes, and your heart starts to melt, I want you to remember your stance. This is it! You’re done! All joking aside I’ve finally felt the threshold. I don’t think I could keep up after this. Our lifestyle and parenting style is limited and it’s nice to know when you’re done. I never really understood when people would say, you’ll know when you’re done because I wasn’t done. But now I know I’m done.

I know that if we had a fourth, I wouldn’t be able to keep up and that my parenting style would have to change. I wouldn’t be able to take care of the kids on my own anymore. I mean I have my husband too, but I couldn’t be the only care provider during the day – well, and night. Driving from kindergarten to preschool and making it in time for naps . . . then heading to dance class, soccer practice and swim lessons. How will I do it all?

Major cheers to those that do – hats off to you! I’m finally in the boat of, I’m done. I know I’ll have my moments when I do get things done but there will be a lot of moments when I don’t. And I’m so grateful for these opportunities to be with my children, and I know that adding one more would change that, which is the last thing I want.

Now is my time to enjoy and watch them grow. Knowing you’re done is a new chapter. It’s kind of sad, because you miss when your babies were actually babies and now it’s real. They’re really going to grow up, right in front of our eyes. I need to keep up.

So to wrap this memo to myself, you did good mama. You’ve got three beautiful children and we’ve got memories to make, so tell those ovaries to zip it!

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Erin
Erin is a mom of two beautiful little girls and a brand new baby boy. She has a bachelor's degree in Business Marketing from San Francisco State, and her career as a VP of Operations for a cosmetics company was her game for a long time. But once she became a mom everything changed, she wanted life to slow down and focus her energy on raising her children. She is fortunate to be married to a wonderful husband who is a frontline hero, Respiratory Therapist, at Kaiser. Being a stay-at-home mom has been such an incredible journey and she enjoys life’s great adventures. Erin enjoys reading, working out, being a foodie, crafting, and always a good laugh.

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